The Night Before Thanksgiving – Southern Style
By T. Kevin Whiteman, MSgt USMC (Retired)
‘Twas the night ‘fore Thanksgiving, and all through the house;
I’ve knocked back a 12-pack, I’m half way to soused.
Like the damn fool I am, I took my wife’s dare,
Now her whole stinkin’ family’s invading my Lair;
Her sister’s a psycho who needs to take meds
To silence the voices that live in her head;
Her brother-in-law is a Southern-Fried slob,
Who never can quite handle keeping a job;
Their kids eat like animals, I wish they would go,
Their table manners are reminiscent of a Gallagher show.
Away to the drug store I flew like a flash,
Those rednecks aren’t even here, and I’ve already a rash.
Back in my home, I hear such a clatter,
I peeks out the man-cave to see what the matter!
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
A sight that Jeff Foxworthy done made his career.
A rusted out, smoke belching ’72 van,
The modern day version of the Jed Clampett clan.
It was covered with stickers, from “Jesus is Lord!”,
To some mean little kid takin’ a piss on a Ford.
A Chevy crammed with Rednecks – all that could fits,
Mo’ damn crackers than a box full of Ritz!
More rapid than bail jumpers my wife’s kin they did came,
She whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Hey Jim-Bob! Hey Dooley! Hey Bubba and Cale;
Hey Buckshot! Hey Skeeter. When’d you get outta jail?”
From the corner of my eye, I see Cousin Boford,
I never did like him, he’s light in the loafers.
They just got here, not sure I can hack it,
It’s time to be fitted for a Carolina Straight Jacket.
A twitch of my eye, a sharp pain in my head,
Here comes that aneurysm that I’ve always dread;
To my wife, who I love more than she knows;
But that nut-job family of hers gots to go!
From the top of the roof! I’m all dressed in cammo!
My high-powered rifle; I got enough ammo.
Now haul ass! Grab your kids! Get up and scoot!
Don’t dawdle or waste time; I’m libel to shoot!
And I exclaimed as they left, as I cut off the porch light,
“Happy Thanksgiving y’all, now get the hell outta my sight!!”