Creamed Possum with Sweet Potato Garnish… now that’s good eatin’

The Night Before Thanksgiving – Southern Style

By T. Kevin Whiteman, MSgt USMC (Retired)

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‘Twas the night ‘fore Thanksgiving, and all through the house;

I’ve knocked back a 12-pack, I’m half way to soused.

 

Like the damn fool I am, I took my wife’s dare,

Now her whole stinkin’ family’s invading my Lair;

 

Her sister’s a psycho who needs to take meds

To silence the voices that live in her head;

Her brother-in-law is a Southern-Fried slob,

Who never can quite handle keeping a job;

Their kids eat like animals, I wish they would go,

Their table manners are reminiscent of a Gallagher show.

 

Away to the drug store I flew like a flash,

Those rednecks aren’t even here, and I’ve already a rash.

 

Back in my home, I hear such a clatter,

I peeks out the man-cave to see what the matter!

When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,

A sight that Jeff Foxworthy done made his career.

 

A rusted out, smoke belching ’72 van,

The modern day version of the Jed Clampett clan.

It was covered with stickers, from “Jesus is Lord!”,

To some mean little kid takin’ a piss on a Ford.

 

A Chevy crammed with Rednecks – all that could fits,

Mo’ damn crackers than a box full of Ritz!

 

More rapid than bail jumpers my wife’s kin they did came,

She whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Hey Jim-Bob! Hey Dooley! Hey Bubba and Cale;

Hey Buckshot! Hey Skeeter. When’d you get outta jail?”

 

From the corner of my eye, I see Cousin Boford,

I never did like him, he’s light in the loafers.

 

They just got here, not sure I can hack it,

It’s time to be fitted for a Carolina Straight Jacket.

 

A twitch of my eye, a sharp pain in my head,

Here comes that aneurysm that I’ve always dread;

 

To my wife, who I love more than she knows;

But that nut-job family of hers gots to go!

 

From the top of the roof! I’m all dressed in cammo!

My high-powered rifle; I got enough ammo.

 

Now haul ass! Grab your kids! Get up and scoot!

Don’t dawdle or waste time; I’m libel to shoot!

 

And I exclaimed as they left, as I cut off the porch light,

“Happy Thanksgiving y’all, now get the hell outta my sight!!”