Department of Homeland Security’s ‘Royal’ panty raid


Despite the Department of Homeland Security’s (DHS) mission statement clearly stating their purpose in life is to ensure our nation is safe, secure, and resilient against terrorism and other hazards that may rear their ugly head, eyebrows are being raised as to why the anti-terrorism bureau conducted a specific style raid that is more reminiscent of the hijinx of Bluto Blutarsky and Flounder Dorfman, both of Animal House fame. As reported by the news portal on Oct.24, 2014, and also by The Kansas City Star on Oct. 22, 2014, DHS agents now appear to be active participants in the global fight against copyright infringement affixed to outlaw underwear.

The G-Men, reportedly at the behest of Major League Baseball (MLB), raided Birdies Panties shop in Kansas City, Missouri ostensibly on charges of copyright infringement. With baseball fever sweeping the Paris of the Plains due to their beloved Royals now slugging it out with the San Francisco Giants in the World Series, the honchos at MLB appear to have taken offense to Birdies Panties emblazoning a connected “K” and “C” beneath a crown directly over the derriere nether regions of the offending skivvie drawers. Also, from left to right superimposed across the KC are the words “Take the Crown.”

According to Peregrine Honig, owner of Birdies Panties, two men entered her shop and when she queried what size garment they may be shopping for, it was then they flashed their badges, identifying themselves as DHS agents investigating a reported case of illegal intimates. Reportedly under the assumption she had done no wrong due to her design being from a hand drawn illustration, the offending undies were marketed under the name of “Lucky Royals Boyshorts” which have since been removed not only from Honig’s inventory, but also from their on-line marketplace.

It was also reported that the agents snatched up every set of Lucky Royals Boyshorts, even placing them in official Department of Homeland Security evidence bags. According to Honig, she was also convinced by the agents to sign a document promising to “never, ever, ever again” sell the despicable drawers with the logo that bears the appearance to the logo of the hometown Royals.

“We just thought it was something funny we could do,” Honig says of the now confiscated panties. “But it was so scary.” Danielle Meister, Honig’s business partner, said “it was like something out of the movies, with the badges and all. But on the bright side, the officers were nice. She says you could tell ‘they felt like they were kicking a puppy.'”

While it’s debatable if the Big Pencil industry will be going after Birdies Panties concerning their advertised Knee High Pencil Socks, complete with “No. 2” running up the side. In the meantime, civil libertarians are still questioning why the DHS raided a lingerie shop, ostensibly on the grounds of copyright infringement. Other than the above cited Mission Statement of the DHS, their official website also notes the Department’s Core Mission include, “Prevent terrorism and enhancing security; Secure and manage our borders; Enforce and administer our immigration laws; Safeguard and secure cyberspace; Ensure resilience to disasters.”