(VIDEO) Empire of CHAZ Declares Itself a ‘Nuclear Free Zone’

As L/Cpl Animal Mother once famously asked on the battle-scarred streets of Hue City back in 1968: “You talk the talk. But do you walk the walk?”.

That’s probably what’s going on in the mind of Raz Simone, failed rapper and self-anointed warlord of the world’s latest political entity, the Empire of Chaz (or CHOP or CHEEP or CHIRP. Whatever the hell they call themselves this week).

In an exclusive interview with Simone by the Frostbite Falls Picayune Intelligence, Simone stated matter-of-factly;

“It’s not enough that the City of Berkeley, the Greater London Council, or the Realm of New Zealand have all declared themselves nuclear free zones. The full weight of the People’s Republic of CHOPizonia joins with our oppressed sisters, brothers, and assorted siblings of undetermined or sundry genders in renouncing any running dog imperialist American nuclear weapons breach the hastily constructed walls of CHAZistan.

It was then that an aide whispered into Simone’s ear that the name de jure is currently Transpeoplevania. Unfazed, Il Douche continued;

“The same ban applies to nuclear energy. After all, we’ve already proven that we can live without fossil fuel, so obviously, we won’t need nuclear power.”

Simone continued, “Keep in mind that the only time we’ll need light would be after sunset, fire not only fulfils that need, but also ensures we can cook whatever food is either sent by our parents, or we liberate from the indigenous people of…. what are we called again? Oh, yeah… Transpeoplevania.”

The de facto leader concluded, “As long as we have abandoned small businesses spontaneously bursting into flames, all of our energy needs will be met.”

Thankfully, none of this is true. It’s all satire. But just barely.