Gitmo Detainee Asks Release: Claims He Found Religion, “Mohammed Saved Me”


Initially snagged off the Afghan battlefield in 2004 ostensibly for being Usama bin Laden’s counter-intelligence chief and one of the main Taliban strategists against American and Coalition Forces, Mullah Achmed Ibn al-Goatshankar has since been known officially as Detainee #139.

But now the former jihaadi strongman just wants to be known as a “child of Allah” according to his lawyer Shlomo Shtosherstein of the Manhattan law firm of Shmekeleberg, Kurvetaub and Shtosherstein. As quoted by the Iranian News Service, Goatshankar’s lawyers are pressing for his release due to his jailhouse conversion … or “come to Mohammed” moment.

Sharif don't like it.
Sharif don’t like it.

“My client has made it clear he wants to be released so he come into face-to-face contact with as many Jews as possible,” Shtosherstein intimated to the Iranian press. “After spending a kacke-load of time delving deep in to the Qur’ran and the Hadiths, my client has discovered the true meaning of Islam.”

When asked if the possibility of al-Sheepshankar ever returning to the life of a global jihaadist, the lawyer flatly and somewhat angrily responded, “what, you think he’s meshuggina or something?”

Not done yet, the attorney added that al-Goatshankar ¬†just wants to go home to Turdistan and live the simple life of a born-again Muslim. “He just wants to live the Muslim dream: Sharpen his knives, beat the wife and shtup the livestock. That’s a bad thing?”

According to documents obatained, Islamic books aren’t the only thing Mullah’s been putting his nose into. The camp’s official librarian, noted spinster Gertrude Googlebottom did leak out he’s quite enjoyed what are present day referred to as “graphic novels.”

Everything from Archie to Zzzax, you betchya he’s been checking them out every chance he gets. But Mullie also has his serious side. He’s taken quite a shine to all the Al Gore “Is It Hot In Here or Is It Just Me?” coloring books.¬†

ComicCon is going to be AWESOME!
ComicCon is going to be AWESOME next year!

Salamieggsandbacon, my brother…

Also leaked is the unverified reports that al-Goatshankar was cited on a number of times during his Gitmo vay-kay. Supposedly, he was the proud recipient of three different trophies for Most Improved Player in the intramural soccer league. Also leaked was that he volunteered for the camp’s Peer-2-Peer Conflict Resolution Program. Al-Goatshankar was purportedly the mastermind behind integrating the Let’s All Hug It Out intervention strategy into the program.

But what may have been his proudest moment was something he did “for my Momma.”

You know, I always wanted, you know, to get my GED. After, you know, spending a lot of time thinking of Momma, I, you know, decided to finish my education. Deep down I knew to would make Momma, you know, proud of me, you know?

But I gotta stay humble, you know? To my lord and savior Muhammad belongs all the glory, you know?

Dude, it's totally true.
Dude, it’s totally true.