Herpes virus found on library copies of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

Kiss me, baby.
Kiss me, baby.

Eeewww…

Certain copies of the book that spawned the phrase “mommy porn” have been found to be a little more sexual then the author hoped, if by sexual, you mean sexually transmitted disease (STD), as reported by the right-of-center news portal Breitbart.com on Nov. 15, 2013.

Two Belgian scientists checked out the top ten borrowed books from the city of Antwerp’s main public library in a study to determine levels of toxins and bacteria the public may be exposed to.

Yet what possibly could peg out the figurative skank-o-meter, tests on the sado-masochistic-bondage best seller Fifty Shades of Grey uncovered that trace amounts of the herpes simplex virus were present.

Besides the erotic adventures of Christian Grey finding its pages tainted with the rather unsightly STD, Belgium’s own Pieter Aspe’s crime thriller Tango was also returned similarly infected with the virus.

Surprisingly, all ten borrowed works of literature, to include the popular Flemish-language comic book Jommeke, tested positive for measurable amounts of cocaine.

But the local¬†Antverpians won’t have to fret of the sudden urge to either tie up their significant other or ingest a paranoia-inducing chemical.

According to Toxicology Professor Jan Tytgat of the Catholic University of Leuven regarding the amounts of cocaine detected:

The levels found won’t have a pharmacological effect. Your consciousness or behaviour won’t change as a result of reading the tomes.

And commenting on the live herpes virus detected, it’s reported that the incurable disease “could not be contracted simply by touching the book.”

Ever See a Skank-O-Meter Spin Furiously…?

In what paints a rather disturbing mental picture as well as inducing shudders of disgust, the scientists “also suggested that books are for reading.”