Report: Scientist Finds Cure for COVID-19, Equal Measures Tear Gas, Pepper Spray

Cry me a river…

As the world waits with bated breath, the vaccine for the COVID-19 virus just may have already been found. Interestingly enough, the touted cure has not been developed by any particular government, but a privately owned company.

In an unverified leak from an anonymous source overheard in a darkened stairwell, the Frostbite Falls (Minnesota) Picayune Intelligence is reporting that Dr. Bunsen Honeydew of Henson Labs has discovered an aerosol vaccine for the same virus that just so happens to have a 99.7 percent survival rate. Click this

As supposedly noted by the fictitious publication;

Dr. Honeydew has factually stated that either equal measures or even unequal measures of CS gas, popularly known as “tear gas”, as well as pepper spray, popularly known as “Aaaargh, my eyes!”, has quite the medically palliative effect on the human body once exposed to COVID-19.

The researcher expanded on his breakthrough experiment;

“One solid whiff of that stuff, the coronavirus inexorably evacuates the body, usually in the form of snot, tears, boogers, phlegm, and sometimes lunch.”

The rather animated scientist went on to excitedly relate his latest research;

“My experimentation assistant Mr. Beaker and I are on the cusp of a secondary vaccine. Our work with tactical rubber bullets has shown promise. As Beaker will testify, a 37mm chunk of hardened rubber flying at 600 feet per second to the chest, abdomen, or ‘nads will literally knock the shit out of you.

Beaker will have to undergo further trial tests to determine scientifically if the same shit knocked out contains any of the coronavirus.

We should know more in a few more months.”

By the way, none of this is real. It’s all made up. Just satire.