As the air forces and navies of Greece and Egypt scour the thousands of square miles of the Mediterranean Sea where bits and pieces of EgyptAir Flight 804 have reportedly been seen, the governments of France and Egypt have already stated that Islamic jihadi terrorists are “the likely” perpetrators of the downed Paris to Cairo Airbus A320.
In the meantime on this side of the pond, the most prominent figure in American politics has weighed in on the latest man-caused disaster that’s claimed 66 lives.
In an impromptu question and answer session with the White House press corpse held at the historic South Wing briefing room, Barack Obama agreed that the aircraft more than likely was brought down by an act of violence, but certainly not an act of terror.
As the American Chief Executive stated, “Just like administration building at Fort Hood and the Government Center Facility in San Bernadino, Flight 804 is by definition, a workplace. Constantly on the move, but still a place of work.”
Furthermore, Obama touted his own street cred by stating, “As someone who spent many years as a community organizer, if there’s anyone who can immediately recognize a workplace is, it’s me. And I’m a Constitutional Law professor, so you know I’m telling the truth.”
When queried on the violent 360 degree turn the aircraft made in mid-air, Obama speculated, “From what I hear, and I hear a whole buncha things, there was a French co-pilot who was trying to impress the Egyptian flight attendants of undetermined gender. Maybe he was just burning doughnuts like I did growing up in Keny… I mean… Hawaii. But he did it at 37,000 feet instead of the McGwando’s parking lot in the south-side of Nairo… I mean… Honolulu.”
But unlike the mysterious disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, Obama was certainly brimming with confidence that the truth behind the destruction of Flight 804 would soon be solved. “Once the African-American box is found, all lingering questions will be answered once and for all without even a smidgen of doubt.”
In a written statement later issued to the press it was revealed that by way of Executive Action, Obama had regulated that with it common knowledge that all African-American boxes are actually orange, said information containers would henceforth be known as “Donald Boxes.”
Furthermore, the press release went on to state that to ensure the United States contributes its fair share, Obama has ordered the flagship of the Sixth Fleet, the USS Alger Hiss (YG-1369) to assist in the nautical search for clues. In keeping with the Obama Doctrine, The Fighting Hissy was placed under the direct command and control of the French Navy.
The Hiss will be joining the FS Je Vais Rendre and the FS Puis Collaborer when they hoist anchor from their main naval base at Mers-el-Kébir. Tentatively titled Operation Reddition Singe, the task force is still awaiting approval from the United Nations General Assembly. Unfortunately for the men, women, and others of the mini-armada, the UN isn’t scheduled to convene until sometime in mid-June.
Freeland writers I. Patrick Frehley and Heywood Jablomie contributed to this article.