Uncovered: Ancient Roman Gladiators, Actors Gave Shallow, Insipid Political Opinions

Taking a knee in ancient Rome.

It’s fairly standard for loudmouthed American sports stars and actors to somehow believe their take on politics is somehow far more enlightened and superior than that of us common folk.

As author Robert Heinlein penned in his 1987 novel, To Sail Beyond the Sunset;

The United States had become a place where entertainers and professional athletes were mistaken for people of importance.

Later in the same futuristic sci-fi novel, Heinlein also penned of the American obsession with the opinions of athletes and actors;

… so his opinions of foreign affairs and domestic policies must be important, too, even though he proves himself to be both ignorant and subliterate every time he opens his mouth. (Most of his fans were just as ignorant and unlettered; the disease was spreading.)”

Armed with the prophetic words of Heinlein, it’s being reported that Dr. Henry Walton Jones, Jr., of Marshall College has uncovered ancient writings possibly proving that everything old is new again.

As Dr. Jones plainly stated;

In a years long archeological excavation along the Tiber River, a number of stone tablets were painstakingly re-assembled after they were destroyed by patricians, praetorians, and plebeians alike, apparently due to growing tired of being subjected to the endless dronings of overpaid athletes and those who play pretend for a living.

Thankfully, many tablets of protest from the populace were also discovered fully intact.

One such artifact was chiseled for posterity by an anonymous shepherd sometime in the early 2d century BC. Loosely translated from the colloquial Vulgate Latin; “I’m fed-up with that loudmouth Culusae Nothus Kaepernicus. He had one good year with Ludus Gallicus, then went downhill from there. Now his latest stunt is to kneel during the Luxque Romanum? No way. I stand for the Luxque Romanum, and kneel only for Jupiter.

Yet another tablet discovered is that of 1st century AD Roman politician Lucius Neratius Priscussine. In a scathing attack on Screechus Joylessia Beharus, the lawmaker opined, “In a recent performance of Visum held at the Flavian Amphitheatre, I’ve absolutely had it. Her constant and largely libelous screeds against the Emperor have pushed me to the edge. If this second-rate comicus hack isn’t careful, she just might find herself going on a ride with the Brazen Bull.”

Just to be clear, please know that none of this is true. It’s all made up, just satire. But just barely.