Monkeys gone wild…
Sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction. This is one of those cases.
As it turns out, a truck carrying experimental rhesus monkeys crashed in rural Jasper County in Southern Mississippi. Unfortunately, an undisclosed number of the primates escaped, as reported by FoxNews.com.
But wait. There’s more.
These aren’t just any rhesus monkeys. The standard rhesus normally weighs in somewhere between 10 to 15 pounds. However, these lil’ fellas are tipping the scales at 40 pounds. Just so you know, that’s anywhere between triple to quadruple their average weight.
But wait. There’s more.
Originating at the Tulane National Biomedical Research Center in New Orleans, this particular barrel of monkeys has been described as “aggressive towards humans.”
But wait. There’s more.
Tulane has verified that these monkeys have been infected with COVID, hepatitis C and herpes. In all fairness, I’d be pretty pissed-off, too.
But wait. There’s more.
These specific monkeys are so disease ridden, “they require PPE [personal protective equipment] to handle.”
But wait. There’s more.
As of 4:30 p.m. ET (10/28/25), supposedly all but one of the escaped monkeys were “destroyed,” according to Jasper County deputies.
But wait. There’s more.
According to Tulane University, “The primates in question belong to another entity and are not infectious.” Apparently, the reasons behind the abnormal growth and aggressiveness aren’t worth mentioning.
So, here where we stand;
- Experimental lab monkeys are on the loose.
- The same monkeys are extremely jacked and super pissed.
- They have more diseases than a $2 hooker on Bourbon Street.
- All is well. Nothing to see here… just keep moving.
Obviously, no one at Tulane ever watched 28 Days Later.